All Mailpieces Big and Small

Next time you buy a sheet of stamps, check out the big sticker on the sheet that looks like a stamp. I always wondered if you could use that sticker as a stamp, so I wrote a letter to The Mister and put that where the stamp should go. I didn’t think it would make it to him, but it did.

(click to enlarge)

I got an Arthur mini stationery set in a Wendy’s kids’ meal a while ago that included envelopes, paper, a stencil, and an embosser. The envelopes are 4.5×3 inches, or about 1/3 the size of a business-sized envelope. I used all the paper to write a letter to a friend, then dropped it in the mailbox. I thought for sure it wouldn’t go through, but it did.

(actual size)

The next logical step, of course, was to put the supersize stamp on the wee envelope. That went in the mail today… we’ll see if it makes it back to me.

Tequila!

A little while ago, The Mister and I bought a bottle of cheap booze, got drunk, watched The Adventures Of Pete & Pete, and ate an entire bag of Wise Cheddar & Sour Cream Ridgies chips. Sometime during the course of the evening, we wrote this letter.

(click for full size)

And the back:

And the envelope:

I wasn’t so smashed that I don’t remember writing it, but I was smashed enough that I don’t remember dousing it in perfume.

One Oh One Oh Eight!

When I was a kid, Nickelodeon had a block of shows called Nick In The Afternoon which was hosted by Stick Stickly, a puppet Popsicle stick with googly eyes. Stick would do things between shows, like hang out with other stick puppets, get dunked in various substances, build a giant rubber band ball, or read letters kids had written him. After he read a letter, he’d tell the kids at home to write to him by singing a jingle I can still remember over ten years later:

Write to me, Stick Stickly

P.O. Box Nine Six Three

New York City, New York State

One Oh One Oh Eight!

I tell you all of this so I can tell you some terrible, tragic news. Stick Stickly has moved, and he left no forwarding address. How do I know? Come on, how do you think I know? (Click ‘em to enlarge, duh.)

The Envelope

The front

The back

(Because I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell the letter’s written on… I got a weird novelty camera and the first roll of film didn’t come out right at all. The letter’s on one of the worst photos, and it’s not the view from my driveway, it’s the view from my porch. I think.)

Recycling

One of my co-workers knows about J.P. Vonderhaar, and since I write most of my letters while I’m goofing off at work, I let her read them before I send them out. She’s pretty good at writing her own crazy letters, too– like the one she wrote one to Frito-Lay about the soul-crushing despair she experienced when she dropped a bag of Doritos on the floor and spilled them all before she could even eat any. When she got a form letter back from Frito, I wrote a letter to Mike-Sell’s (a local potato chip company) on the back of it. I don’t have the letter I wrote to them, but I do have the one they sent back.

This is a photocopy, by the way. The “Why was this sent to Mike-Sell’s?” was written in the same handwriting as the signature on the generic form letter. I’ll bet the consumer relations person who got my letter saved the original.

What a dreamboat

Tonight The Mister ate and entire packet of Bottle Caps candy in one mouthful, then turned off all the lights and dragged the laundry basket all around the apartment while he laughed like a doofus.

He was blind stinking sober.

Hello!

Hello, children!

My name is J.P. Vonderhaar, and I love writing letters.

There’s really nothing here yet, but once I get the scanner up and running, I’ll have all kinds of fun things to show you. In the meantime, you can amuse yourself by writing to me.

See you soon!