Questionable Corntent

I’ve always thought CORN is funny– both corn itself and the word “corn”.

When I was in high school, my friends and I (none of whom played any sort of musical instrument) spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking of nonsense words and phrases that would be cool band names. My personal favorite was “Toto Buys Corn”.

For my 23rd birthday, my mom made me a blanket out of some corn-themed fabric I found. It’s got smiling ears of corn against a red and white plaid print. It’s been on my bed every night ever since. I love it.

But my favorite corn-related activity is this: any word with “con” in it becomes instantly hilarious if you change “con” to “corn”. Here’s a few to get you started.

CORNversation

inCORNvenient

CORNvince

iCORN

Sean CORNnery

CORNstipation

CORNfetti

CORNtinue the list by making your own CORNtributions!

I am Christan Slater

I was the first person I know to have internet access. Well, not exactly internet access, but access to AOL. Way back in 1995, we got AOL version 2.0 or something, which was hilariously primitive by today’s standards. It didn’t even have a buddy list, for crying out loud! Since this was in the dark ages, before MySpace existed, before interent porn was freaking everywhere and before Chris Hansen had that insufferable show, my parents just laid out some no-brainer guidelines for me and didn’t really think anything of letting me use AOL unsupervised. Of course, this meant I got all kinds of weird IMs and emails. Nothing sick or threatening, just weird.

The weirdest AOL exchange happened when I was in seventh grade. One time, I got an unsolicited message from some dude. The conversation went a little like this:

Him: hi

Me: uh, hi?

Him: I am Christian Slater

(I ignored this and didn’t type any kind of response. As it happened, I had just seen Heathers. If I hadn’t, I probably would have had no idea who Christian Slater was. A few minutes later, he was back)

Him: I am Christian Slater

(I still didn’t respond. This went on for quite a while– every few minutes, he’d remind me that he was Christian Slater. Finally, I checked his profile. This was, more or less, what it said:

Screen Name: [something totally generic]

Date Of Birth: 8/18/69

Location: I am Christian Slater

Favorite movies: [Christian Slater's entire filmography]

Favorite Bands: I am Christian Slater

Quote: I am Christian Slater

When I tell this story to people, most of them assume that I was talking to a pathetic loser who figured he Christian Slater was the biggest celebrity he could pretend to be and still have some people believe him. I’ve always imagined that I actually was talking to Christian Slater, and he was on the other end of the conversation, desperately wanting me to believe he was telling the truth. He probably wasn’t, but that’s much funnier to imagine that what probably actually happened.

I also remember talking to a guy from Germany once, and being totally baffled as to how a German got a copy of AMERICA Online. Heh.

Don’t drink and e-mail, kids.

Here’s three more weird emails from a different bogus address. Notice these were all sent on the same day, within in 6 minutes of each other. If memory serves, the Mister and I wrote these after we decided to get drunk and watch Pippi Longstocking. Saturday nights are seriously wild in the Vonderhaar house, let me tell you.

ACT I

From: [J.P.'s bogus name]
Date: Sat, Apr 14, 2007 at 11:04 PM
Subject: MOON PIE
To: linda@moonpie.com

HI

DIDNT YALL USED TO MAKE APPLE MOON PIE?  WHAT GIVES?!

[J.P.'s real name]

ACT II

From: [J.P.'s bogus name]
Date: Sat, Apr 14, 2007 at 11:10 PM
Subject: CHEESE FRIES – NATHAN
To: cs@nathansfamous.com

Man,

I love the cheese fries.  So good… so good.

-JARN (this was the actual bogus name I used… maybe that was the rum talking)

ACT III

From: [J.P.'s Bogus name]
Date: Sat, Apr 14, 2007 at 11:10 PM
Subject: CORN BREAD – KENNIE ROGERS!!!
To: cs@nathansfamous.com (I sent this to the same address as the last one. Whoops.)

God damn,

You’re corn bread is so good.  I wish they’re more than ONE location ever in USA!

Found bootleg recipe, but is not so good.

-[bogus name]

THE END.

Oh, and I didn’t get a response from any of these clowns.