I am Christan Slater

I was the first person I know to have internet access. Well, not exactly internet access, but access to AOL. Way back in 1995, we got AOL version 2.0 or something, which was hilariously primitive by today’s standards. It didn’t even have a buddy list, for crying out loud! Since this was in the dark ages, before MySpace existed, before interent porn was freaking everywhere and before Chris Hansen had that insufferable show, my parents just laid out some no-brainer guidelines for me and didn’t really think anything of letting me use AOL unsupervised. Of course, this meant I got all kinds of weird IMs and emails. Nothing sick or threatening, just weird.

The weirdest AOL exchange happened when I was in seventh grade. One time, I got an unsolicited message from some dude. The conversation went a little like this:

Him: hi

Me: uh, hi?

Him: I am Christian Slater

(I ignored this and didn’t type any kind of response. As it happened, I had just seen Heathers. If I hadn’t, I probably would have had no idea who Christian Slater was. A few minutes later, he was back)

Him: I am Christian Slater

(I still didn’t respond. This went on for quite a while– every few minutes, he’d remind me that he was Christian Slater. Finally, I checked his profile. This was, more or less, what it said:

Screen Name: [something totally generic]

Date Of Birth: 8/18/69

Location: I am Christian Slater

Favorite movies: [Christian Slater's entire filmography]

Favorite Bands: I am Christian Slater

Quote: I am Christian Slater

When I tell this story to people, most of them assume that I was talking to a pathetic loser who figured he Christian Slater was the biggest celebrity he could pretend to be and still have some people believe him. I’ve always imagined that I actually was talking to Christian Slater, and he was on the other end of the conversation, desperately wanting me to believe he was telling the truth. He probably wasn’t, but that’s much funnier to imagine that what probably actually happened.

I also remember talking to a guy from Germany once, and being totally baffled as to how a German got a copy of AMERICA Online. Heh.