Vonderhaar’s Law

A few months ago, my friend was invited to a casual acquaintance’s wedding. She didn’t want to go alone, so she invited me to go with her. The ceremony was lovely and we got a free meal out of it, so it wasn’t a total bust, but it was totally awkward. I didn’t know anyone there and my friend only knew the bride. Neither one of us is wild about weddings anyway, so the whole thing was just kind of eh.

After that night, I made up Vonderhaar’s Law. Vonderhaar’s law states that an invited guest is under no obligation to attend any event if the invited guest does not personally know the host or guest of honor. I haven’t had to invoke it yet, but I’m kind of looking forward to the next time I get invited to a friend of a friend’s party and tell them “I can’t, it’d be a violation of Vonderhaar’s law,” and then getting a blank stare.

Look, if you really truly want to go to one of these things, whether it’s a wedding, graduation, anniversary party, whatever… you will find a way. If you can’t or don’t want to go, it’s okay. When you get an invitation, please remember the following things:

1. An invitation is not an expectation or commitment to attend unless

a) It comes from a member of your immediate family (i.e. your own parents, siblings, or children) with whom you are on reasonably good terms

b) It arrives in enough time for you to clear your schedule for it

c) The event is close enough geographically that travel doesn’t pose a hardship, financial or otherwise

2. It is not hurtful or insulting to decline an invitation unless you’re Making A Big Douchey Show Of Not Attending. You’re not a big douche, are you?

3.People understand that you can’t make it to every single event, and if they’re so thin-skinned that they get all butthurt when you turn down an invitation, that’s their problem, not yours.

4. If you can’t be there, whether it’s because you can’t afford the trip, can’t get the time off work, have other obligations, or you just don’t want to go, IT IS OKAY TO DECLINE. Really. All you have to do is say “I’m sorry, I can’t make it, but I wish you good luck and/or all the happiness in the world.” Don’t elaborate, either– the why is none of their damn business.

P.S. The reverse of this is also true– if you’re the one hosting the event, YOU get to decide who makes it on the guest list. Don’t let your other guests or your nagging conscience bully you into inviting someone you don’t want to be there.

Dexterity

If I’m barefoot when I drop a small object like a pen or a bottle cap or a washcloth, I try to pick it up with my toes and transfer it to my hand. My toes are not particularly dextrous, so this often takes a really long time. Even though it would take just a second to reach down and pick it up with my fingers like a sane person, using my fingers when I’ve started feels like admitting defeat. I don’t know why I do this, but I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember and have never gotten any better at it.