Are you trying to send away for a rebate or enter a contest, but the rules say you can’t use a P.O. box? Instead of using this format for your address:

J.P. Vonderhaar

P.O. Box 54587

Cincinnati, OH 45254

Use this format:

J.P. Vonderhaar

1320 Nagel Road, #54587

Cincinnati, OH 45255

… and laugh in the face of that bossy-ass fine print!

NOTES FROM J.P.: I haven’t tested this, but I’m assuming this won’t work for UPS or FedEx packages. It may not even work for letters. Please don’t do this for any vitally important correspondence or use it to do anything dangerous or illegal, okay?

I got a new job!

I feel like this guy!

That is all!

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know that it’s 2009– you don’t have a website for your business, or you have one that’s godawful horrible, or hasn’t been updated since 2003 or is missing crucial information. Let me spell something out for you: It is 2009. If you have a business, you need a website for that business. Period. Your website does not have to be fancy, but it needs to contain at least the following information:

-Address, phone number, business hours, and directions from the nearest major highway, all on the same page, either on the main page or under a “locations” link on the main page. If you have more than one location, you need to provide this for each of them.

-A listing of at least some of the products or services you offer and how much they cost. Businesses that do anything for which a list of prices isn’t possible still need to provide some idea of the kind of things they offer and tell customers whom to contact for estimates and what information they’ll need. If your business is a restaurant, you need a current menu with current prices, no exceptions.

-Ideally, your site should be reasonably pleasant to look at, with a subdued color palette and minimal flashy doodads and NO MUSIC OR SOUND, ever ever ever.

I don’t think I’m asking too much here. If you’re not willing to hire a professional web designer, hire a high school or college kid for a fraction of the cost and have him or her show you how to update it. Update it at least once a month, and clearly state “Last updated [INSERT DATE HERE]” on each page of your site.

Get with the program already.

No love,

J.P. Vonderhaar

A few months ago, my friend was invited to a casual acquaintance’s wedding. She didn’t want to go alone, so she invited me to go with her. The ceremony was lovely and we got a free meal out of it, so it wasn’t a total bust, but it was totally awkward. I didn’t know anyone there and my friend only knew the bride. Neither one of us is wild about weddings anyway, so the whole thing was just kind of eh.

After that night, I made up Vonderhaar’s Law. Vonderhaar’s law states that an invited guest is under no obligation to attend any event if the invited guest does not personally know the host or guest of honor. I haven’t had to invoke it yet, but I’m kind of looking forward to the next time I get invited to a friend of a friend’s party and tell them “I can’t, it’d be a violation of Vonderhaar’s law,” and then getting a blank stare.

Look, if you really truly want to go to one of these things, whether it’s a wedding, graduation, anniversary party, whatever… you will find a way. If you can’t or don’t want to go, it’s okay. When you get an invitation, please remember the following things:

1. An invitation is not an expectation or commitment to attend unless

a) It comes from a member of your immediate family (i.e. your own parents, siblings, or children) with whom you are on reasonably good terms

b) It arrives in enough time for you to clear your schedule for it

c) The event is close enough geographically that travel doesn’t pose a hardship, financial or otherwise

2. It is not hurtful or insulting to decline an invitation unless you’re Making A Big Douchey Show Of Not Attending. You’re not a big douche, are you?

3.People understand that you can’t make it to every single event, and if they’re so thin-skinned that they get all butthurt when you turn down an invitation, that’s their problem, not yours.

4. If you can’t be there, whether it’s because you can’t afford the trip, can’t get the time off work, have other obligations, or you just don’t want to go, IT IS OKAY TO DECLINE. Really. All you have to do is say “I’m sorry, I can’t make it, but I wish you good luck and/or all the happiness in the world.” Don’t elaborate, either– the why is none of their damn business.

P.S. The reverse of this is also true– if you’re the one hosting the event, YOU get to decide who makes it on the guest list. Don’t let your other guests or your nagging conscience bully you into inviting someone you don’t want to be there.

If I’m barefoot when I drop a small object like a pen or a bottle cap or a washcloth, I try to pick it up with my toes and transfer it to my hand. My toes are not particularly dextrous, so this often takes a really long time. Even though it would take just a second to reach down and pick it up with my fingers like a sane person, using my fingers when I’ve started feels like admitting defeat. I don’t know why I do this, but I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember and have never gotten any better at it.

Here’s something weird I have noticed: If I buy a half gallon of milk, it’s gone in a few days. If I buy a gallon of milk, I usually end up throwing more than half of it away after it’s gone bad. What’s that about?

I’ve always thought CORN is funny– both corn itself and the word “corn”.

When I was in high school, my friends and I (none of whom played any sort of musical instrument) spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking of nonsense words and phrases that would be cool band names. My personal favorite was “Toto Buys Corn”.

For my 23rd birthday, my mom made me a blanket out of some corn-themed fabric I found. It’s got smiling ears of corn against a red and white plaid print. It’s been on my bed every night ever since. I love it.

But my favorite corn-related activity is this: any word with “con” in it becomes instantly hilarious if you change “con” to “corn”. Here’s a few to get you started.

CORNversation

inCORNvenient

CORNvince

iCORN

Sean CORNnery

CORNstipation

CORNfetti

CORNtinue the list by making your own CORNtributions!

I was the first person I know to have internet access. Well, not exactly internet access, but access to AOL. Way back in 1995, we got AOL version 2.0 or something, which was hilariously primitive by today’s standards. It didn’t even have a buddy list, for crying out loud! Since this was in the dark ages, before MySpace existed, before interent porn was freaking everywhere and before Chris Hansen had that insufferable show, my parents just laid out some no-brainer guidelines for me and didn’t really think anything of letting me use AOL unsupervised. Of course, this meant I got all kinds of weird IMs and emails. Nothing sick or threatening, just weird.

The weirdest AOL exchange happened when I was in seventh grade. One time, I got an unsolicited message from some dude. The conversation went a little like this:

Him: hi

Me: uh, hi?

Him: I am Christian Slater

(I ignored this and didn’t type any kind of response. As it happened, I had just seen Heathers. If I hadn’t, I probably would have had no idea who Christian Slater was. A few minutes later, he was back)

Him: I am Christian Slater

(I still didn’t respond. This went on for quite a while– every few minutes, he’d remind me that he was Christian Slater. Finally, I checked his profile. This was, more or less, what it said:

Screen Name: [something totally generic]

Date Of Birth: 8/18/69

Location: I am Christian Slater

Favorite movies: [Christian Slater's entire filmography]

Favorite Bands: I am Christian Slater

Quote: I am Christian Slater

When I tell this story to people, most of them assume that I was talking to a pathetic loser who figured he Christian Slater was the biggest celebrity he could pretend to be and still have some people believe him. I’ve always imagined that I actually was talking to Christian Slater, and he was on the other end of the conversation, desperately wanting me to believe he was telling the truth. He probably wasn’t, but that’s much funnier to imagine that what probably actually happened.

I also remember talking to a guy from Germany once, and being totally baffled as to how a German got a copy of AMERICA Online. Heh.

Here’s three more weird emails from a different bogus address. Notice these were all sent on the same day, within in 6 minutes of each other. If memory serves, the Mister and I wrote these after we decided to get drunk and watch Pippi Longstocking. Saturday nights are seriously wild in the Vonderhaar house, let me tell you.

ACT I

From: [J.P.'s bogus name]
Date: Sat, Apr 14, 2007 at 11:04 PM
Subject: MOON PIE
To: linda@moonpie.com

DIDNT YALL USED TO MAKE APPLE MOON PIE?  WHAT GIVES?!

[J.P.'s real name]

ACT II

From: [J.P.'s bogus name]
Date: Sat, Apr 14, 2007 at 11:10 PM
Subject: CHEESE FRIES – NATHAN
To: cs@nathansfamous.com

-JARN (this was the actual bogus name I used… maybe that was the rum talking)

ACT III

From: [J.P.'s Bogus name]
Date: Sat, Apr 14, 2007 at 11:10 PM
Subject: CORN BREAD – KENNIE ROGERS!!!
To: cs@nathansfamous.com (I sent this to the same address as the last one. Whoops.)

God damn,

-[bogus name]

THE END.

Oh, and I didn’t get a response from any of these clowns.

I have several bogus email addresses that I use for entering contests, signing up for free samples and stuff, and sending emails that I don’t want my real name attached to. I was cleaning out the inbox for one that I hardly ever use any more, and I decided to check the sent items for it. I’ve sent a whole six emails from this account, including this one:

From: [J.P.'s bogus address]
Date: Mon, Oct 17, 2005 at 12:59 AM
Subject: Will you buy my farts?
To: [name@domain.co.jp]

Hello

I am a lady who farts frequently and so I am very interested in your offer to purchase farts like mine. How is the process done?

Thanks
[bogus name]

WTF? Why was I sending bogus emails to someone (possibly in Japan?) buying women’s farts two years ago? More disturbing, why don’t I remember doing it?